It's my birthday!

Today is my birthday. I'm 56. FIFTY SIX. So that means I've had a whole bunch of birthdays. I've had some really bad ones -- for example, my 20th birthday -- I was supposed to go out with 3 friends: one got sick, one had to work, and the 3rd forgot. The one that forget felt horrible and  scrambled up some plans for us, and while we were out my car was broken into and our purses stolen.  And I've had some fantastic ones: my 40th when I sort of maybe bullied a friend into letting me use her lake house for my party, and I maybe sort of bullied my husband into working his butt off to ensure that everything was exactly the way I wanted. And my 50th when my husband and son pulled off a surprise birthday party and my son got me Springsteen -- SPRINGSTEEN!  -- tickets.   But I've mostly had mediocre birthdays that leave me feeling a little bit melancholy about getting older.

I am a birthday brat. I really want a crown and a parade and a cake and to feel freaking special all day. Is there something wrong with that?  Well, my poor husband doesn't get it, and I can tell that every August he gets that panicky look in his eyes that translates like this:  "oh shit. her birthday is almost here and I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO.".

Today went nothing like it was supposed to. It was supposed to be a day off leading to a 3 day weekend.. Instead, it's a ONE day weekend, because I ended up going to work today, AND I have to drive 4 hours on Sunday to be at a Monday morning 9 am meeting in another state.  But here's how my birthday went:

• I went to work about an hour late, so I got some extra sleep this morning. 
• When I got to work, there was a gift on my desk and some cards from co workers.
• I finished everything by about 1:30, and I left, took myself out to lunch, and bought myself some goodies at Ulta.
• I got a massage. And, when I went to pay, I was told that my bill had been taken care of by another coworker.  (I don't even know how she knew where I was!!)
• I had about 50 billion texts, calls, and/or facebook messages from friends.  
• My son came over with my 2 sweet grandsons, who had homemade birthday cards and a balloon!  And hugs!!!!
• my husband cooked a yummy family dinner, and cleaned up a big old mess afterwards.  
• We had a store-bought cake with candles, and everyone sang, and Owen blew out the candles, and we had to re-light the candles  and sing again so that Carson could blow out the candles.
• And when they left, they each gave me a really big hug -- not just the kids, my son too! -- and said that they loved me.  

So. I don't need a crown. Or a parade. Cake's fine but I don't have to have it. Parties are great but not necessary. This birthday included none of those things (well, OK, I had cake).  And I'll be darned if it wasn't awesome!

I'm Back - With A Little Bit Less of Me

It's a good thing no one reads this blog, because I suck at keeping up with it. Every now and then someone will tell me that I should get back to blogging, which always flatters me, because I really am amazed that anyone would want to read my musings. But the thing is, I enjoy doing it. I mostly do it for me. So I decided to start doing it again!

So, I've mused on here for years about getting healthier and losing weight. I seldom get very far. But I've finally done a little something toward that goal -- I've lost about 27 pounds since the first of the year, by following a medically supervised low carb diet. Low carb is one of the only things that seems to work for me, because, I'm told, I'm insulin-resistance. I don't know what that means, exactly, but if a doctor says it, it must be true, right?

Low carb eating -- in case you live in a cave -- is a diet that includes lean meat & eggs, green veggies, healthy fats and small amounts of some fruit and dairy. No bread, sugar, starchy veggies, potatoes, beer, wine, chocolate, donuts, croissants, cronuts, Reese's peanut butter cups, ice cream, chips, french fries, or any of my other favorite things. Which means, it pretty much sucks. Just kidding! It's awesome! Or at least that's what I tell myself!

OK for real, it's not too bad. But lately I've been slacking off and have been in a holding pattern for about a month. Gain a pound, lose that pound, etc.etc.  So in an effort to get back on track, I thought I'd remind myself of all the things that a 25 pound weight-loss has meant to me:

• I've lost about 5.5 inches in my waist. This means that many of my clothes no longer fit. however --
• I've been able to buy quite a few cute new items of clothing in a SMALLER SIZE.  I'm not quite 2 sizes down, but then, my original size was often quite snug.  So it probably was not my "real" size anyway  (SHHH! Don't tell anyone)
• I can cross my legs comfortably. This may sound silly, unless you've ever been large enough for that not to be a possible sitting option.
• I tucked my shirt in one day, AND wore a belt, and I didn't look heinous. Although, I think my co-workers were annoyed that I was constantly telling them to LOOK! Because I was WEARING A BELT!!
• Last week, I wore a bathing suit that DID NOT have that camoflaug-y skirt thing on it. And I probably still looked scary, but, I DID NOT CARE!!!!  WOO HOO!!!
• My face has lost one set of chins.  It was my least favorite set, so I was glad to see them go.
• I can reach my toes with ease when I paint my toenails.  I still can't see WTF I'm doing, so the polish job isn't perfect. Don't judge. Being unable to see anything close-up is NOT a by-product of being fat.  

In all seriousness, I do feel better. I do look better, at least to me. I still have a long way to go, so I hope I can get over this slump. I As soon as I polish off this little stack of Reese's cups, I'm going to start thinking about my plan.  

These things confuse me

Life can be confusing, no? Some things confuse me more than others. Here are a few of them.

Single "cold ones" at convenience store check-outs. Why on earth is it legal to buy a single icy-cold beer at the c-store check out? Does anyone really buy that beer and take it home for later? I know dad-gum well that those puppies get sipped on the ride home.

Hot dogs & buns. Why are there 8 buns in a packet, but 10 hot dogs? Is it like a commonly known thing that 20% of all hot dogs are eaten bunless? Am I the only one that didn't know this?

Things people say.  Why do people say "I could care less" when what they MEAN is, "I could not possibly, in a trillion years, care any less than than I do".  Also, "supposably". I'm confused that people who say that don't get smacked regularly.

Four way stop signs.  On the one hand, they seem extremely polite. "your turn". "no, yours". On the other hand, well, WHOSE TURN IS IT????

Braille on drive-up ATM's   I don't think I need to expound.

Parents who smack their kids while saying,"STOP CRYING".  Almost as confusing, a parent spanking a kid while saying, "we don't hit people!".

Percentages, without a calculator.  I'm really glad normal tipping is a nice even percentage like 20. If the common tip amount was, oh, 17%, I'd probably still be sitting in the restaurant from lunch, trying to figure out what to tip.

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed just thinking of these things. I think I'll drive down the road and buy me a tall boy.

Committed.

I love a new year. It feels like a fresh start, from the new calendars to the optimism that "this will be the year I ....".  Only, it never is, is it? I think the only resolution I've ever kept is the year I resolved to floss my teeth regularly. 

I'm not making a resolution this year. Instead, I've decided to have a theme for the year. So my theme for 2014 is: Committed.   

I'm committed to doing at least one thing every day that moves me toward improved health and fitness.  No matter how small or insignificant that step might be, I need to remember that it takes a series of steps to get anywhere.  

Today, I stocked up on lots of healthy options, planning to pack my lunch at least 3 days a week.  I've filled the fridge with fruits and veggies, lean meats, and some fixings for healthy breakfasts, lunches and dinners.   

And cookies.  I bought cookies.  And I ate quite a few of them. Damn I have no willpower over cookies.  

Baby steps.  

Heavy Stuff

I'm fat.

I don't mean that I no longer fit into my size 4 jeans. (full disclosure -- I've NEVER worn size 4 jeans. In college I had a size 4 dress once, but I think it was mislabeled!)  I don't mean that I ate a big meal and feel bloated. I mean, I'M FAT.  I'm a significantly overweight person. As in, I'd be happy losing 50 pounds but I'd still technically be overweight even then.

I have resolved to lose weight every single new year since I was, I don't know, about 12. Of course, I wasn't fat then, I was just brainwashed into thinking I was. I think I always tended to be on the chubby side as a child, but I wasn't fat. I am short -- and when you're short, every pound counts really fast. Throughout my 20's and most of my 30's, I was on the heavy side of a normal weight range, and when I look at pictures of myself during that time, I realize now that I was fit, and that I wore my body well. But I always thought I was fat. Since about 40, however, the pounds started creeping (or maybe galloping) on, and I weigh close to 100 pounds more than I did in college.  Wow. That was not especially pleasant to write.

I hate being fat. It is the single largest burden of my life. That said, though, I feel pretty good about who I am. I'm not one of those people who thinks my life would be perfect "if only" I lost this weight. I used to think that way.  But my life is awesome, for the most part, and I don't think being thinner would make my life any more awesome.  Except ..... I'm fat enough that it's caused heath problems. I'm pre-diabetic. I take meds for cholesterol, high blood pressure, acid-reflux, and hot flashes. (OK, the hot flashes probably have nothing to do with my weight, but who knows?) My knees ache nonstop, and recently one of my hips has joined in the fun. I get out of breath doing housework, climbing stairs, or even thinking about doing either of those things! And the absolute worst thing about being fat? Plus-sized clothes shopping. Don't even get me started. That's a post all by itself.

I know that, at age 54, I've got more years behind me than ahead of me. But I don't want to short-change myself or the people who love me. If I don't take control of my weight and my health, I know I'm dancing on thin ice. (Not literally. I never dance. I never do anything that might make me look stupid if I can help it!)  Here's the thing:  I really want to stick around a while.  I have these two grandsons who -- for now, anyway -- think I am the best thing since chocolate pudding. WITH sprinkles. I have a husband who loves me and who I still love (and, even better, LIKE) after nearly 30 years of marriage. I'm a dozen or so years away from thinking about retiring. I have travelling to do. And I really want to be a wild, crazy old lady one day!!

So here's the deal. I'm putting this out there on the interwebs as an accountability tool. I have a plan. It's a plan of baby steps -- taking one or two things at a time to clean up my health. My first two steps on my journey are these:

• Give up diet sodas. I've been tackling this for a couple of weeks, with pretty good success. I'm down to less than one a day (most days, NONE) -- and this is from a typical 10 or so a day. All that aspartame is bad for insulin and a can of chemicals couldn't possibly be GOOD for me.
• Exercise at least 5 times a week.  I'm going to get up every Tues-Thurs at 5 and hit the treadmill upstairs, and every Sat and Sun I'll do the same (or hit the streets).   I'll incorporate different kinds of exercise soon but for now, I just need to get moving.

I'm working with a nutritionist, but truthfully, I KNOW what to eat and what not to eat. This person is actually serving as more of a coach, and I like that arrangement.  I'm going to try to post some of my progress here -- even if no one reads it, I know it's out there in the universe somewhere.  

Here's to being a loser in 2014!

2014 will be the year of the Blog.

OK, I kind of suck at blogging. Truth is, I know I only do this for myself. No one's reading, and that's OK. But I like doing it. So, probably the only "resolution" I'm making is to keep blogging. Who knows ... maybe 100 years from now someone will stumble on it and think I was an interesting person!

So, 2013 in review.  I can't complain. The hubster and I both worked hard this past year, but we're both in good places in our jobs. Probably the best thing that happened was that my son finally ended his marriage, doomed from the beginning. He's single-parenting his 2 young boys, and even though he shared physical custody with the ex, he has primary custody. We've helped out A. LOT. in may ways - physically, emotionally and financially. But he's doing OK. Doing well, in fact. So that's good. And the ex wife was extremely difficult for all of us. She is bi-polar, and i think probably has borderline personality disorder as well, and dear god it was like walking on egg shells every time we were together. Honestly, I feel 100% less stressed with her out of the picture.

I did a lot of mom-stuff this past year. We went to Florida in February, Charleston in May, and Myrtle Beach in September. I do it for her, not me. It's been tough seeing her decline physically - she doesn't get around well, and she's pretty depressed. So I try to get her out, and when she can't do much, she gets depressed again. Vicious circle. But I want to do what I can.

If I have anything to complain about for 2013, it's that I felt disconnected from my friends. Not because anything happened, but because of various situations.  We're all working a lot -- I guess it's the season of life when we've hit our strides in our careers -- and we're all dealing with various family issues that come with these mid-50's.  Adult children who aren't quite grown, parents who need to be cared for, and marriages that are showing the strain of lack of attention. It's not an easy age to be.

I don't think I wrote about this, but I lost my first close friend in 2012. She had lung cancer. She was about 15 years older than the rest of our "gang", but she was like our much-wiser and oh-so-much-worldlier older sister. I'm still troubled by the reality of that loss, and the insistent reminder of my own mortality.

So, 2014. Lots of change coming. A merger at work becomes effective tomorrow. It's all good, but it's also going to be a tremendous amount of change. In fact, I think it's going to be the "Year of change".  I hope I'm ready.

These are a few of my favorite things .....

Hello from Hell.  Also known as, summertime in Columbia, SC.  First of all, I must stress: this is not a beauty blog. (Are you stunned by that revelation?)  This is not a fashion blog.  (Again; stunned?) But, these are some things I really love for looking somewhat pulled together and feeling somewhat comfy during these sweltering days of summer.

I hate being hot.  And, whenever someone tells me I look hot, I know they do not mean it in the "hey baby, you look hot" kind of way .... they mean I'm dripping sweat and red-faced and probably slightly crazed looking.  It ain't my best look.  So, here are some things I've discovered that help me cope a little bit.  These aren't miracle workers; I'm still not going to get any complimentary "you look hot" comments, but hey, I feel a little less frazzled thanks to some of these discoveries.

First, let's talk makeup.  I have a new favorite thing that I use every day on my face: it's Jouer Matte Tinted Moisturizer.  It has sunscreen, plus some magic fairy dust that absorbs oil and mattifies my skin.   Coverage is really light but good! It feels like I got nothing on my face, only, I DO!!  I really like it and you will too.  I get it from Birchbox.com and it costs $38.00.  Pricey, yeah, but the tube I'm using; I've had since February and it's still got tons of product in it.  I've been using it EVERY DAY since it got hot.  I use a makeup brush to apply -- it seems to go on nicer and I don't think I use as much of it.

The other thing in the face-department that I've been loving this summer is high-def translucent mineral face powder. OK Confession time:  I splurged on a jar of this stuff by Youngblood; it was $38 (Birchbox, again, I'm hooked).  However, I also bought a jar of very similar stuff by E.L.F. (Target, maybe $4.00?) and it's JUST AS GOOD!  It sort of "sets" your makeup and keeps the shine at bay.  It goes on white, so a little dab will do ya.  But unless you cake it on, it's invisible.  

These are some old faves that are great for summer:  cheek tint by Tarte (I have no idea where I got it).  I apply with a wet sponge and it just leaves a little hint of color, no powder to rub off or streak.  And my new favorite mascara -- because all mascaras I've ever used would melt and leave me with raccoon eyes in the summer, and this one doesn't:  Benefits They're Real.  About $23 and yes, it is worth it.  I swear I will never use drugstore mascara again.   When you get to be 53.80 years old, you have to use the good stuff.  

OK my other favorite summer thing is an unmentionable of sorts.  It's underwear.  If you are a guy I would hope that by now you've quit reading this because I'm sure you don't want to read about my underwear.  

I like to wear dresses in the summer because they're cooler.  Well, I could use a little shapewear, only, THAT SHIT IS UNCOMFORTABLE.  I mean, if shapewear could suddenly make me appear 70 pounds thinner and 20 years younger, maybe I'd suffer through it.  But, I'm still fat and old when I wear it, so nope.  But last summer I found these things made by Jockey (on line purchase) called Skimmies Slipshorts.  They are $20 each and I am madly in love with them.  (in an entirely appropriate way)  They're like shapewear, only not.   Just the slightest bit snug -- enough to smooth lumps and bumps and kill panty lines.  They fit like an awesomely silky comfy and cool pair of bike shorts.  And they are awesome.   And, for those of you who, like me, have a little extra fluff, they come in plus sizes.

There are lots of good things about summer -- like, my birthday -- and I can't think of much else ---- but I find it so hard to be comfortable and feel "put together" in this weather.  So consider this my one and quite likely only contribution to your beautification and staying cool for the rest of this summer!