I have always had a tendency toward glass-half-empty kind of thinking. I try not to be that way, but it's kind of who I am. When things are going well, I'm sort of looking over my shoulder waiting for the dropping of shoes. Job's going great? I figure it's a matter of time until I blow something big. Vacation? I tend to focus on how quickly it's passing. So as the year of 2009 brought so many happy things into my life -- new house, new grandson, new daughter in law, for starters -- I had this nagging feeling that the worm was turning. So it was with a little trepidation that I rang in 2010. I felt I had used up my share of good stuff for awhile.
I was right. My dear father died one week into the new year. That was alot harder to write than I thought it would be.
I know that this is not a unique experience, but rather, sadly, a universal one. But it is painfully unique to me. I feel so lost. Empty. I suppose I'm depressed. I guess you get a free pass for depression in this situation. I know for sure I'm stressed. My mom has been leaning -- hard -- and I am trying not to break. It breaks my heart all over again to see how lost she is. It's not like she would ever admit it, but she relied on him for so many things. And now, she is looking to me to handle those things. I'm out of my depth here.
I am not going to write alot about my dad for now. I probably will, but right now, it just makes me cry, and I've cried about as much as I care to for awhile. I will just say that he was one of the finest people I have ever known. Someone told me, shortly after he died, to focus on the good memories and not dwell on the bad ones. That was easy --- I don't HAVE any bad memories.
I will say that I was stunned, overwhelmed, blown away by the support of my friends and co-workers. Stupefied at the goodness of the people in my life. People showed up. Called. Sent cards. Sent food. Prayed. I am humbled to have such friends in my life. OK, I'm crying now so I shall stop.
Anyway, I will just end with this. I can't believe my dad is gone. But the very last time I saw him, it was Christmas Day, and he was crawling around on the floor with his great-grandson -- CRAWLING ON THE FLOOR -- and loving every minute of it. I shall carry that memory -- and the blessings of the pictures that we took that day -- close to my heart.
